Little by Little

As many of you know, I recently moved into my own little apartment behind our new group house. Like most spaces that haven’t been lived in for a few months, there were a few cobwebs and stains that needed cleaning before I could move in; there was a particularly large stain on the floor in the bathroom, but I didn’t think much of it because I figured it wasn’t anything a good mopping wouldn’t take care of. Little did I know what I was up against. I tried everything—bathroom cleaner, bleach, CLR, special sponges. So little progress, so much perma-grunge. However, as time went on, I began to notice that every time I would mop the stain would get ever-so-slightly smaller. Some of the toughest cleaners chemists have contrived were working just as effectively as daily mopping.

Adela's Birthday Pool Party

And while it may seem like a strange parallel, it reminded me of the kids I work with everyday. They’ve all lived hard things, and those hard things have left stains on their hearts. And sometimes I wish that I could remove those stains with one motivational speaker at a retreat or a well-planned Bible class or a few sessions with a therapist, but it doesn’t work that way. Their stains are the type that need daily cleansing and attention. While I may not always be able to see it, every load of groceries, delivery of library books, visit with short-term mission groups, and birthday party is slowly but surely cleaning the stain from their hearts. A weekend retreat may have the same power over the stain as chatting over an afternoon ice cream cone—it’s something you just can’t predict.

Breaking Open the Pinata

And last Sunday at a little girl’s birthday party, I got to see a little piece of stain be wiped clean. The birthday girl’s older sister, Paty (11), was in the kitchen. She’d already eaten a hot dog and was halfway through her cheeseburger when she brought me her plate and declared “Sarah, I’m full. I’m not going to eat the rest of my cheeseburger right now”. That may sound like a typical kid response at a birthday party, but Paty’s not a typical girl. When we first started having the girls over they would eat like a college football team, stuffing themselves to the brim, because life had taught them you had to gorge yourself when given the opportunity because you didn’t know when your next meal would be. But on Sunday, Paty didn’t feel like she needed to eat until she felt uncomfortable, which shows that she trusted that there would be food for her to eat when she did get hungry again. She no longer needed to live in fear for her basic needs. She would be taken care of.

Paty :)

And in that moment, I just smiled knowing that a stain we’d been scrubbing for over 4 years now was begin to come clean. Sometimes God calls us to big flashy things, and sometimes he calls us to be faithful in the everyday; we must not forget the power that lies in daily, persistent obedience. And so I’ll continue pursuing commonplace compassion and persist in my mopping marathon until one day the stains on my kids’ hearts and my bathroom floor fade.

Amada: Beloved.

Being a teenage girl is hard. There is pressure to do well in school, to care for younger siblings, to get in with the “cool” crowd, to date…and the list goes on and on. Teenage girls are surrounded with lies: you’re not pretty enough, you’re boring, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re unlovable, you need a serious boyfriend to fit in.

During a weekend in August Back2Back Cancun staff was able to combat these lies in the lives of teen volunteers and girls we work with. With the help of psychologist Lorena Cavazos teens were able to delve into hard topics like identity, feelings, boys, and purity. Staff was able to proclaim the truth that you are God’s, you are strong, you have been in God’s thoughts since before you were born, and God has a plan for your joys, hurts, and relationships.

It was beautiful to see timid teens who are normally too scared and self-conscious to speak up running around the house giggling, making new friends, and sharing their hearts with others. And it still touches my heart to see them wearing the bracelets we gave them to remind them they are loved—Amada.

“So, what was your favorite part of the retreat?” I asked on the drive home. “Everything!” my van full of girls chorused back. “What would you change for next year?” I followed up. “Do it for 3 days! No, a week! How about two weeks?!!” they screamed. I think it’s safe to say that between being honest about hard topics, playing in the pool, doing collage crafts, watching a late night movie, and eating way too much food everybody had a good time. And even now, two weeks later, they can’t stop reminiscing with beaming smiles on their faces.

Just talking with them, you can see that they are more confident. Girls who wouldn’t talk during activities before the retreat are now smiling, answering questions, and participating. Two teens have begun coming more regularly to classes Back2Back staff give at a local community center on Wednesdays and Saturdays. And girls who previously had trouble making friends their age are excitedly asking about when they get to see their new friends from the retreat again. I have no doubt that God will use the seeds he planted in their hearts at this retreat to grow each one into a loving woman of God. Praise the Lord.

Boundless Hope

After spending time with Oti's family of 7 kids, I realized that they didn't have a very good understanding of their feelings. Sometimes they would react in unhelpful ways because they didn't understand what was going on around them or inside of them. We decided to start doing monthly emotions/character quality classes with their family and have since talked about anger, honesty, shame, and hope. While some of Oti's girls have big dreams others struggle to think beyond today. 

During our latest class we talked about how God gives us hope we can be confident of because it's based on his promises, which we know are true. We read about God's promises from his word: how he will always love us, protect us, take care of us, fulfill his special plan for us, and make us victorious. Then we played a game where the kids had to go through an obstacle course where each obstacle represented something hard that could happen in our lives because, while God has many promises for us, he doesn't promise that all of life will be easy. They successfully climbed over a chair because we have the confident hope that God loves us even when people make fun of us. They conquered crawling under a table because we have the confident hope that God will take care of us even when our loved ones get sick. And they were led to the finish line blindfolded because we have the confident hope that God will lead us even when we can't see how good can come out of the hard things that happen to us. The kids then had the opportunity to make a collage of different things they hoped for their lives. 

It was awesome to see them be so engaged and to begin understanding the big future that God has planned for them. I have no doubt that God is fulfilling his promise from Jeremiah 29:11 in the lives of Oti's children when he says that he has "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".

Life Lessons from Energetic 8 Year Olds: Unashamed

Shame is a nasty feeling that comes from the darkness inside of us. It’s rooted in fear and insecurity. It warns us to protect ourselves from rejection, embarrassment, and truth. Shame fosters secrets. It tries to convince us that we need to hide from ourselves and others and that we won’t be accepted for who we are or what we’ve done. It destroys relationships with ourselves, others, and God.

We recently talked about shame during VBS at Rossy’s community center in Bonfil. The theme of the day was “even when you don’t understand, God loves you”. During the class, the small group leaders began washing the kids’ feet but didn’t explain why; instead, they replied “even when you don’t understand, God loves you”. After all of the kids’ feet had been washed the teacher asked them how they felt during the activity. In every other site where we had done this lesson, the kids said that they felt ashamed, embarrassed, and bad because their feet were dirty. Not at Rossy’s. From the minute the buckets of water and towels were brought out all 20 of the kids in my small group were pushing their feet toward the bucket begging me to wash theirs, some of them sloshing the water out of the bucket in their excitement. Many of their feet were black from running in the street, but they had no shame. Some even giggled as they sat their dusty feet on my lap when it was their turn knowing that I was going to make them clean. The kids at Rossy’s aren’t ashamed to be who they are. They aren’t ashamed to sing at the top of their lungs into a microphone praising Jesus. They aren’t ashamed to play games that make them look silly, and they aren’t ashamed of hard things that have happened in life.

They have been set free from shame and guilt through the blood of Christ and now have nothing to fear. It’s not that their lives aren’t difficult or that they haven’t been touched by hard things—most live in one room apartments off of a diet of Spaghetti O’s and are the first generation in their family who can read and write. They understand hard. They just know that the hard things aren’t what’s most important. And so they jump into life two feet first, up for anything, doing all things with gusto. They have a hungry hope that works out the impossible and an enthusiasm that brings life where there once was none. Every day at Rossy’s is a beautiful craziness and that is why I love them with so very much of my heart. And that is why I am here—to serve them and to help them to never lose their unashamed pursuit of God.

Sofi's First Email Address

I have been given an incredible privilege: the ability to participate in human redemption and restoration. To step into their stories and be a witness to God's healing grace in their lives. Sometimes that takes the face of the extraordinary, but more often than not I've found that on the surface it looks surprisingly mundane.

One of the moms we work with has two daughters who have lived at the San Jose Children's Home for the past 7 years. While she has suffered from both depression and alcoholism, the main reason for why her girls do not live with her is because she does not have a consistent job. So a few days ago I went with her to a shop where they sell internet to browse through job postings on Mexico's version of Craig's List. After jotting down a couple that we would later call and look in to, I asked the mother to do something on the computer and realized that she had never used a computer mouse before.

I was suddenly overwhelmed with tenderness as I looked into the eyes of a 30 year old woman who gazed back at me with the trusting, eager expectation that school girls have towards their teachers. I showed her how to hold the mouse, how to click, how to scroll up and down the page. I wrote down instructions on how to look for jobs online, and we created her very first email account. I felt so touched that she would allow me to care for her in that way. It was a simple task, but it didn't feel simple--it was a reminder that everything matters. A reminder to choose gentleness over a to-do lists in a world where so many of us may look, pretend, or fancy that we are big, strong, and grown up but are still in so many ways little children.

I'm so thankful that I am the child of such a marvelous father: a father who by allowing me to care for a woman in an internet shop, showed me how intimately and tenderly he cares for me.

Best Birthday :)

I love talking with people about their dreams. I love watching their eyes begin to sparkle and their mouths smile as a far off look comes over their face while they're telling you about what they hope for themselves or for others or for the world. I think that I like it so much because I see God in people in those moments--in their hopes and their passions and their desire to be a part of making whatever that dream is happen.

I believe very much in dreaming. My biggest life dream started in my US history class in high school when I learned about Jane Adams. She started a tenement house in Chicago in the 1920's that worked to give worth and dignity to the impoverished by providing affordable, decent housing. What started as buying a run down tenement house to fix it up and rent the rooms out at the same price but at a much higher quality led to the development of more tenement houses, community programs, and jobs for residents. I think this is beautiful and so a seed for a dream of doing something similar was planted in my heart.

God has been caring for this dream for years--growing my knowledge and skill set through social work classes at Taylor, practicum experiences, and personal relationships. While my dream hasn't been fully realized, God gave me a taste of this dream on my birthday. I got to spend the day painting a cuartaria (building of one-room apartments) where many of the kids from Rossy's community center in Bonfil live. To some, it may seem like a pretty crummy way to spend your birthday--getting covered in paint, dirt, and sweat far away from your family--but to me, it was the most beautiful gift. I love the way that God uses dreaming to call us to the place where we can best know and serve him so that he can continue the process of making us into who we were created to be. And today, I am thankful that God holds my dreams tenderly and that he stays committed even when I grow faint.

Playing with the Kids in the Park after a Long Day Painting

Our Expert Painters :)

My Birthday Buddie, Jiromi

Oti's Family

Oti is 38 years old. She lives and cares for her 7 youngest children, who are between 3-13 years old. Her husband died over 3 years ago, and she has been trying hard ever since to both take care of her kids and work to make money to provide for their basic needs.

Oti Serving Cake for a
 Birthday Celebration

Back2Back began working with Oti's family shortly after her husband died. At that time, none of her children were in school, and Oti was really struggling to provide for her family. Now her children are in school, and with the help of a tutor, are all getting straight A's. Two weeks ago, 5 of her kids were baptized. When Jeny, 13, was given her own Bible she immediately began reading it and making up tunes for singing the Psalms. Oti has visibly become more involved in helping her kids to grow and reach their dreams. We took the two oldest girls, Jeny and Marisol, to the beach this past Saturday along with some other teens that we work with and some teen volunteers so that they could get used to being around other kids their age (they're both behind in school and spend most of their time with younger kids). We played football, sang worship songs, and had snacks--it was very fun and so encouraging to see them laughing and making friends.

Oti's Kids Drawing Self-Portraits

I've been involved in working with Oti's family over the past few months by writing down the kids' life stories and creating individualized goals for each child. I'm also starting to do games and activities with them each month to help them better understand their feelings and how to cope with stress and hard things. This month we talked about anger. Among other games, we wrote down things that make us frustrated, upset, and angry and then threw wet paper towels at those things, which caused the words to drip away. It was fun to watch the kids get super into it, and I think they learned about good ways to express their anger.

I've loved watching these kids grow--hearing their hilarious jokes, singing Justin Bieber songs together, and having story time. God has great things in store for each one of them, and I feel so blessed to be a part of their stories.

Dalila's Family

Dalila is 31 years old. She got married when she was 14 years old, and her husband died about 8 years ago. Dalila and her husband had three lovely children who are now 15, 12, and 11 years old. While a lot of hard things have happened in Dalila's life, she is a strong woman who is dedicated to helping her children have a brighter future than her past. Even when there wasn't enough to eat for dinner, she would tell them how much she loved them and how she knew they would go to the university someday. She would tell them about her dreams for them--that they could do and be anything they wanted to be.

Dalila met Back2Back a few years ago while walking the streets looking for work. She accepted Christ into her heart last November and is now living in her "dream house". Her kids dream of being a psychologist, a veterinarian, and an architect. They are doing much better in school and are very happy.

Just last month a short-term missions group serving with Back2Back helped to pour the front patio of Dalila's dream house by hand. The whole family was very excited and grateful--especially Dalila's son, Jose Luis, who is anxious to practice and show off his skate boarding skills (a birthday gift).

I've been blessed with the opportunity of working with each of the kids to write down their life stories. I've also learned how to make Picadillo (yummy taco filling), am currently a beat-boxer in training (thank you Jose Luis), and have had the joy of watching Leydy become more self-confident. God is at work in this family, and I have been so encouraged to be a part of this work.
  

Dalila's Dream House

Leydy, Zury, and Jose Luis

  

Dalila's Family

Girls at San Jose Children's Home

I should really say "kids" as there are now two little brothers living with the 14 girls :) San Jose is a children's home run by four nuns who absolutely love the girls they care for. They provide for the kids through donations, selling yummy Mexican food, and through the help of child sponsors.

It's a happy home, and the kids living there are both creative and giggly. With the last family group who came to serve with us for a week, we were able to celebrate little princess Alondra. Alondra turned 3 year old this month. For her birthday, we celebrated with chocolate cake, balloons, and games, and she opened a present from her sponsors—a Cinderella princess gown. Things that seem to be so simple, a birthday party, are in reality so much bigger than they first appear.

After the party I helped her put on her princess dress, and we paraded around the Children’s Home showing off her new present. She looked absolutely precious. Along the way, we stopped for someone to take her picture. She asked to see the picture, and I wish that I will always remember the expression on her face when she first saw that photo. In that moment, she believed that she was beautiful. She believed that she was special. She believed that she was lovely. And she believed that she was a princess.

That’s why Back2Back is working in Mexico. That’s why I’m in Cancun for a year. And that’s why we spend hours working out program details, grocery shopping, painting bedrooms, and taking kids to doctor’s appointments—so these kids can believe that they are beautiful, indescribably valuable children of God. I’m so glad and humbled to be a part of this work.

What do you do with Back2Back, exactly?

Lately I've had a few people ask me "What does a normal day look like for you?" The only answer I could come up with was "I work with children". Not exactly satisfying or specific :) I struggle very much with generalizations and estimates. Maybe that's because I strive to value the uniqueness of each person, each day, and each situation or maybe that's because I'm a detail person, not a big picture girl.

For me, every day in Mexico is a new day. It may look similar or different from the previous, but God's presence unites them all. The best way I've come to categorize my work with Back2Back is by looking at each site we work with and then looking at how I'm involved in that site. So, over the next few weeks, I'll try to give a picture of each one.

Rossy's. A ministry lovingly called Mision Educarte, similar to a Christian outreach/community center. Rossy has a room on her property that she has used to host a children's program on Wednesdays and Saturdays for the past 20 years, and I've gotten to join her in teaching and serving these kids for the past few months. She leads a time of worship, a teaching time, a craft time, and then serves the children dinner. It's both dynamic and energetic. Anywhere from 30-70 kids come on any given night, and I have come to love each and every one of them. In the midst of situations saturated with poverty, these kids have hope. They are hungry to learn and to grow and to help others. They love each other, and they love Jesus. When you drive up to Rossy's, kids come running out to greet you--literally jumping into your car to hug you because they just can't wait for you to get out. I've been blessed in so many ways by these kids who have challenged me to tickle wars, shown me how to break-dance, trusted me with the name of the 13 year-old love of their life, and taught me how to give thanks for all things (even stolen tv's) because God's got it all under control. I always leave Rossy's tired and completely full of joy. It's undoubtedly my favorite part of the week. In the next year, we're hoping to expand Rossy's ministry by starting small groups that will be able to go deeper with the most consistent kids. We're also hoping to start an after school tutoring program. Prayer for these two goals would be very much appreciated as we seek God's direction regarding program details and funding sources.

Siblings Jocelyn and Jorgito: Rossy's Regulars

Work Day at Rossy's (Rossy's in the Center)

 

Bigger Perspective

Lately there have been quite a few changes in the way the Mexican government operates, especially concerning taxes. Because of this, Back2Back has had to change and re-think some of the ways that they do things. It’s been very hard, stressful, and overwhelming at times—feeling like these changes are thwarting our work here. Lately I’ve realized that I’ve had a very small view of all of these changes. Yes, they are making day-to-day activities very hard. Yes, they are limiting some of the ways Back2Back can work at this time. Yes, the details are complicated and many. Yes, it is all quite scary.

But this is only a shadow of something much bigger. If I choose to focus on this small piece of the story I will see only darkness, but if I open myself up to seeing the larger picture I think I’ll find light, hope, and glory. While these changes will cause pain and difficulty for many over the next few months, they are a step towards a more stable and efficient economy and Mexican nation. These pesky tax changes are a piece in God’s overall plan to bring restoration to the Mexican people by ridding the country of corruption and supporting a legalized economy. What I may quickly label as hurting the people I desire to serve may actually be a road to increased sustainability and a higher level of quality of living.

I pray that I would trust evermore in the wisdom and ability of God, who promises to never forsake his children but always work for their well-being and for the fulfillment of his good, beautiful, and glorious will. May he teach me to see past my shallow view of the current circumstances so that I might better know him through greater understanding of his plan, which is so much more than anything I can ask or imagine.

Kids at the Tres Reyes Community Center

Kids Served at a Free Medical Clinic in Bonfil

Daydreams

Lately I've been realizing how much of a daydreamer I truly am. If I don't have time to let my mind wander and wonder, I (ironically) lose my focus, patience, and ability to delight in the simple. Somehow it is through these scattered, unstructured meaderings of my mind that I can best reflect and process the world around me. Maybe it's the inherent rest that comes from daydreaming, maybe it's my introverted self needing some time alone, or maybe it's the little girl in me who can't stop her imagination from running wild and doesn't want to.

These past few weeks have been filled with so many experiences and conversations and realizations that I desparately want to share with you but like so much of life, they are only pieces of a complete story that I do not yet understand: small clips of a movie, chapters of a book, thoughts from daydreams flowing in a steam-of-consciousness way that leaves almost everything open-ended.

So here are some of the daydreamlike moments I've had lately that have been important to me. I hope they will be meaningful to you, too :)

*I've gotten to hear quite a few people's stories in the last few weeks. One of my favorite parts about talking with people about their lives is that moment when they are taken back to a past meaningful experience--when their eyes get a little cloudy and their face gets a little more expressive and you can tell that they're not fully present with you. In that moment, I feel like they're taking me with them back to the moment when the memory took place, like I am there with them feeling those same feelings, finding importance in those same seemingly random deatils, and I can't help but smile a little bit because I know that I'm getting to be a part of a lovely form of time travel.

*I've also spent quite a bit of time trying to understand others and to help them understand what I have to say, what others have to say, or a different perspective on the same situation. It's hard--both communication and understanding--not just with people but also with God. And yet, it amazes me how God allows me to understand just as much of him as he knows that I can handle in that moment by creatively meeting with me in ways that I can understand. As a 5 year old, he helped me to understand through flannel-graphs and goofy games. As a 10 year old, he helped me to understand by watching college kids serve others and wanting to grow up to be like them by knowing and loving the God they served. As a 15 year old, he helped me to understand by giving me the space to ask questions freely and His Word where I encountered truth and hard experiences so that I might better understand suffering. As a 20 year old, he helped me to understand by giving me a family in Ecuador and the courage to be a leader on my wing. Now, God is helping me to understand by asking me to obediently trust him in the unfinished stories, the not yets, and the daydreams. I can't wait to see how he helps me to know him more next.

Freedom in Obedience

The longer I'm here, the more humbled I become. I'm humbled by the people who choose to share their stories with me. I'm humbled by the joy I see on children's faces regardless of their circumstances. I'm humbled by women like Rossy who have dedicated their lives to serving kids--who take pleasure in dancing to kids' worship songs and having marker-covered hands from craft time. I'm humbled by fellow staff members who have invited me into their families, fed me countless meals, and made me feel like I'm never alone here.

But more than the people who have surprised and taught me, God has amazed me. He is the one and only true redeemer. He can reconcile relationships where all hope is lost. He can heal the weak, lost, and impoverished. He gives love, purpose, and strength. While I cannot do any of those things, he has blessed me with the opportunity to watch and take part in this work with him. He has shared his presence with me and promises to never take it away and that is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Through it all, he's teaching me obedience--when I don't have the skills or means or understanding or confidence or language ability. He's teaching me to do now what needs to be done, rather than putting it on my to do list for tomorrow; to ask questions and give encouragement and ask forgiveness in the moment rather than staying quiet. He's teaching me to give all that I have to where I'm at and the people I'm with, and he's showing me time and again how he provides.

I was asked to teach a Bible lesson and lead a craft for about 35 kids in Spanish today. Now I'm usually more of a small group co-leader than a big group teacher type so this didn't exactly fit into my personality description, not to mention language barrier apprehensions. So when I was asked, I thought "there are two options: say yes and get nervous because I can't do this or say yes with confidence that this is God's ministry which means that he's going to use it for good." Rationalization led me to obedience in my approach to teaching, not just my actions--something I am very much just beginning to learn.

Will I be the next big children's speaker? Not a chance. Does it matter? No. I did my best to serve God and the kids, and it was a blessing to be a part of it (although I do admit that a nap sounds really good right about now!) While obedience definitely isn't all rainbows and sunshine, I think I've found greater freedom to grow and find joy through obedience than I've ever found following after my own desires. It's kinda like my little cousin once told me "God is the super coolest!" :)

My Own Amazing Race

I packed my bags, drove to the airport, said a tearful goodbye to my family at the gate (which a fellow travelor told me was better than reality tv), and made it to my terminal with time to spare. It was all going according to plan, and I thought I was going to be the last flight out before the brunt of the winter storm came through and shut everything down. Then the delays started. Four hours later, they cancelled the flight, and I found myself sitting in the airport, phoneless, wondering what I was going to do until my rescheduled flight the next morning at 7am.

Thankfully, I had spent the last few hours getting to know some of the people sitting in the terminal around me. I was delighted to hear their stories and found us being fast (although temporary) friends. One of my new friends was named Steven. He is a Navy Seal in Norfolk and was kind enough to let me use his phone many times. After our flights had been rescheduled, we made our way to baggage claim together, had dinner at McDonalds (the only place still open), and began to work through what we were going to do about our stranded situation. After finding out that our flights had been postponed yet another day, I was determined to find a way to spend the next 40 hours somewhere besides the Indianapolis Airport.

I tried contacting shuttles, taxis, hotels, friends--everything was shut down, and the roads were horrible. I was about to give up when I remembered some Lighthouse teams were on their way down to stay at a hotel near the airport that night before their flight the next morning. In a last ditch effort, I called my sister who was able to connect me with the driver of the bus. In less than an hour my new friend Steven and I were on the road making our way back home. We dropped him off in Anderson, and I made it back to Upland after a 4 hour long bus trip that would normally have taken about an hour and a half.

I am SO thankful that this all worked out! Even through the snow when there seems to be so few options, God is there, and he provides :) While I wish I could already be in Mexico working with Back2Back Ministries, I know that I'll arrive in God's timing and am thankful that everyone who was going to be on that flight yesterday is safe. It's all a part of the adventure :)